hmm

So now we are at this place where we are like ok we're ready, bring it on but then realize there are still things to do to get there. Meaning the purpose of Bat going to school to become a Surgical Technologist was have a better income to get a house of our own and now that the schooling is complete (Congratulations and a sigh of relief for my hubby) and the new job at Deaconess is started (yea!) We are waiting on the income, I have an outline for the budget but since I havent even seen a pay stub yet its more like an idea forming and waiting to get out. Anyway we are super excited to be moving on to a place where we can sort out the issues that are circustantial and what core issues we really need to work on as a couple.
For now I have to get ready for my mother-in-law and her sister to come visit us for a couple weeks, that should be fun! They are coming to celebrate Bats graduation. I need to organize and clear clutter and entertain my kids in the mean time, hmm sounds easy!

Feeling a bit better

So I am feeling much better since my last post, that does not however mean that I have been on my treadmill. he he Its just means that I am getting perspective. I get to go to Portland this weekend by my self, well with out my hubby or children that is. I am going to a scrap booking retreat with my friend Spring. Of course I'll love having the time to scrapbook but I am more excited about the idea of using the time to ween my son from his night time comfort nursing. So Sunday night was the last time I nursed him and Ive just been telling him that its all gone and just love him back to sleep and two nights now have been fussy but not a battle. It is so hard to tell him no cause he asks so kindly saying "num num pease" that's also how I know its time though, cause he can ask for it! So by the time Friday rolls around and mommas gone I hope he'll be OK. I think since I'm the one who is telling him no more but I'm still here it'll be OK. If I had just left and there was no more "num num" he might feel abandoned. And I certainly don't want my child to have abandonment issues.
Anyway other that that we are gearing up for a busy couple of months I am starting a Pampered Chef business and my grand opening show is the 29th of January and I'm really excited about trying to get that off the ground. They have terrific kitchen tools that make putting together a delicious and simple meal fun and easy!
Then Ben's 2nd birthday is on the 2nd of February, we are having a choo choo party, it should be fun. The open house for the CCS is that week and so is ready for kindergarten. So bring on the day!
Oh just an update on my last post, remember how I said this is the first time ever that Ive consistently taken birth control, well I think that's the cause of my crazy feelings and mood swings. No decision yet on whether I'll continue the pill or try a non hormonal method.

Ok, I know

It has been far too long since I posted a blog and I was thinking that I really just want to do this more as a journal than to update friends but luckily it serves both purposes. Except that if it were actually a journal I would have no second thoughts about telling my weird dreams that wake me to tears and make me think Im going crazy or how I sometimes wish I weren't married but the second I say that I regret it. Am I a bit literally mentally unstable? Oh I know I need some exercise because Im addicted to yummy salty, sweet treats and I need some positive endorphins going through this body and I need the sweet presence of the Lord. I miss it and I feel like Im drowning. Its all I can to to put on this face for my husband and take care of my beautiful children that I hope I dont ruin them. I want to be happy inside but what does that even mean? Ive been trying to figure out why I am the way I am and in doing so have to examine the relationship of my mother and I and I have always thought she was a bit crazy I mean that in the dearest terms. But anyway I want to blame her but really what good does that do? I just need to do better so that my daughter doesnt feel that way about me. I feel like its so hard to admit these things cause its like it makes me a bad mom or a bad wife. Ive been so weepy. No not prego, faithfully taking birthcontrol for the first time ever. My heart is telling me EXERCISE is the answer.
I am going to get my treadmill today from my moms, Its gonna be so hard to change my eating habits though, no excuses.

October 3 2009

Escape!

This picture was from July 09, my step sister took this and several others. Anyway, we are doing pretty good. We have been spending lots of time at my parents house so the kids have a safe smoke free place to play, while we love the inside space of our apartment, the outside is polluted by disrespectful neighbors who use foul language and don't care who is around when they decide to give themselves lung cancer. The foul language part includes the children around the complex. I just heard of a study that said children who eat chocolate and candy everyday are more likely to become violent criminals when they grow up, but I think its more likely the deterioration of family morals that causes violent criminals. Anyway we are trying to put up with this place for now cause it fits the budget.

I keep wondering if I am in denial or insensitive about loosing the baby, but while I am so disappointed and sad I am a little bit relieved...not relieved about not having another child although the timing was a bit off, but relieved that I know the embryo never had a heart beat, it feels like the spirit that was going to come to us probably did not enter. So I feel like there is another spirit waiting to join our family but maybe she still had work to do with our Father in Heaven. Either way I am so grateful to know that we are an Eternal family now.

Minus #3

Well, I now know why they say not to tell everyone you know that your expecting till 12 weeks...
Last Thursday the 17th I started spotting, not heavily but even a little is too much. I havent had any pain with the spotting but I was concerned so I called the Dr. who had me go to the lab for a blood test to check hormone levels. In the begining of pregnancy these levels double every about every 48 hours. My levels did not even close to double, so I had an ultra sound today which showed us the "embryo" had not developed a yolk therefore does not have its own life support and never even had any cardiac development. So I'll miscarry within the next month but I pray it dosent take that long. Its so small that it should just seem like a really heavy period, I wont need to have a D&C. So its really sad but I am so relieved that I never heard a heart beat then have this happen. Its wierd to see and feel the changes that your body goes through in the begining of a pregnancy and know that I wont get to see my belly get big and round and then push out that little infant. I guess having these feelings means that we arent ready to be done having children, its just not going to be right now.

Happiness

I have just been thinking a little about being happy and finding joy in life. I was watching my kids play at the park today and was just filled with joy at the site of their little smiles and giggles. Thea is my little water baby she loves to get wet, swim and splash around. Ben still enjoys the water but he's a bit more hesitant he would rather play on the bouncy toys and explore the jungle gym.

Expecting #3

I am so excited to tell you that we are going to have baby #3. I found out last Sunday, I have been pretty emotional about things the last few weeks, I even cried at Thea's dental appointment cause she had a cavity then when I didnt have time to put my mascera on before church I through it in the bag to put on in the car on the way but then I forgot where I put it and I was so upset like crying, wierd. Then we were watching Hancock (an action movie) I was crying during a "tender" moment like really tears and catching my breath crying. After my last cycle was just a spotting I was like ok we are going to buy a pregnancy test, the first one was positive and Bat and I are like OH my Gosh! that explains alot, and oh my Gosh! #3 I'll take another test in a day or two, so the next test on Tuesday was also positive. So Im waiting for my first OB appointment on the 14th of September. I really am so happy and I just cant wait to welcome the completion to our family, I know he (or she) will fit right in.