hmm

So now we are at this place where we are like ok we're ready, bring it on but then realize there are still things to do to get there. Meaning the purpose of Bat going to school to become a Surgical Technologist was have a better income to get a house of our own and now that the schooling is complete (Congratulations and a sigh of relief for my hubby) and the new job at Deaconess is started (yea!) We are waiting on the income, I have an outline for the budget but since I havent even seen a pay stub yet its more like an idea forming and waiting to get out. Anyway we are super excited to be moving on to a place where we can sort out the issues that are circustantial and what core issues we really need to work on as a couple.
For now I have to get ready for my mother-in-law and her sister to come visit us for a couple weeks, that should be fun! They are coming to celebrate Bats graduation. I need to organize and clear clutter and entertain my kids in the mean time, hmm sounds easy!

Feeling a bit better

So I am feeling much better since my last post, that does not however mean that I have been on my treadmill. he he Its just means that I am getting perspective. I get to go to Portland this weekend by my self, well with out my hubby or children that is. I am going to a scrap booking retreat with my friend Spring. Of course I'll love having the time to scrapbook but I am more excited about the idea of using the time to ween my son from his night time comfort nursing. So Sunday night was the last time I nursed him and Ive just been telling him that its all gone and just love him back to sleep and two nights now have been fussy but not a battle. It is so hard to tell him no cause he asks so kindly saying "num num pease" that's also how I know its time though, cause he can ask for it! So by the time Friday rolls around and mommas gone I hope he'll be OK. I think since I'm the one who is telling him no more but I'm still here it'll be OK. If I had just left and there was no more "num num" he might feel abandoned. And I certainly don't want my child to have abandonment issues.
Anyway other that that we are gearing up for a busy couple of months I am starting a Pampered Chef business and my grand opening show is the 29th of January and I'm really excited about trying to get that off the ground. They have terrific kitchen tools that make putting together a delicious and simple meal fun and easy!
Then Ben's 2nd birthday is on the 2nd of February, we are having a choo choo party, it should be fun. The open house for the CCS is that week and so is ready for kindergarten. So bring on the day!
Oh just an update on my last post, remember how I said this is the first time ever that Ive consistently taken birth control, well I think that's the cause of my crazy feelings and mood swings. No decision yet on whether I'll continue the pill or try a non hormonal method.

Ok, I know

It has been far too long since I posted a blog and I was thinking that I really just want to do this more as a journal than to update friends but luckily it serves both purposes. Except that if it were actually a journal I would have no second thoughts about telling my weird dreams that wake me to tears and make me think Im going crazy or how I sometimes wish I weren't married but the second I say that I regret it. Am I a bit literally mentally unstable? Oh I know I need some exercise because Im addicted to yummy salty, sweet treats and I need some positive endorphins going through this body and I need the sweet presence of the Lord. I miss it and I feel like Im drowning. Its all I can to to put on this face for my husband and take care of my beautiful children that I hope I dont ruin them. I want to be happy inside but what does that even mean? Ive been trying to figure out why I am the way I am and in doing so have to examine the relationship of my mother and I and I have always thought she was a bit crazy I mean that in the dearest terms. But anyway I want to blame her but really what good does that do? I just need to do better so that my daughter doesnt feel that way about me. I feel like its so hard to admit these things cause its like it makes me a bad mom or a bad wife. Ive been so weepy. No not prego, faithfully taking birthcontrol for the first time ever. My heart is telling me EXERCISE is the answer.
I am going to get my treadmill today from my moms, Its gonna be so hard to change my eating habits though, no excuses.

October 3 2009

Escape!

This picture was from July 09, my step sister took this and several others. Anyway, we are doing pretty good. We have been spending lots of time at my parents house so the kids have a safe smoke free place to play, while we love the inside space of our apartment, the outside is polluted by disrespectful neighbors who use foul language and don't care who is around when they decide to give themselves lung cancer. The foul language part includes the children around the complex. I just heard of a study that said children who eat chocolate and candy everyday are more likely to become violent criminals when they grow up, but I think its more likely the deterioration of family morals that causes violent criminals. Anyway we are trying to put up with this place for now cause it fits the budget.

I keep wondering if I am in denial or insensitive about loosing the baby, but while I am so disappointed and sad I am a little bit relieved...not relieved about not having another child although the timing was a bit off, but relieved that I know the embryo never had a heart beat, it feels like the spirit that was going to come to us probably did not enter. So I feel like there is another spirit waiting to join our family but maybe she still had work to do with our Father in Heaven. Either way I am so grateful to know that we are an Eternal family now.

Minus #3

Well, I now know why they say not to tell everyone you know that your expecting till 12 weeks...
Last Thursday the 17th I started spotting, not heavily but even a little is too much. I havent had any pain with the spotting but I was concerned so I called the Dr. who had me go to the lab for a blood test to check hormone levels. In the begining of pregnancy these levels double every about every 48 hours. My levels did not even close to double, so I had an ultra sound today which showed us the "embryo" had not developed a yolk therefore does not have its own life support and never even had any cardiac development. So I'll miscarry within the next month but I pray it dosent take that long. Its so small that it should just seem like a really heavy period, I wont need to have a D&C. So its really sad but I am so relieved that I never heard a heart beat then have this happen. Its wierd to see and feel the changes that your body goes through in the begining of a pregnancy and know that I wont get to see my belly get big and round and then push out that little infant. I guess having these feelings means that we arent ready to be done having children, its just not going to be right now.

Happiness

I have just been thinking a little about being happy and finding joy in life. I was watching my kids play at the park today and was just filled with joy at the site of their little smiles and giggles. Thea is my little water baby she loves to get wet, swim and splash around. Ben still enjoys the water but he's a bit more hesitant he would rather play on the bouncy toys and explore the jungle gym.

Expecting #3

I am so excited to tell you that we are going to have baby #3. I found out last Sunday, I have been pretty emotional about things the last few weeks, I even cried at Thea's dental appointment cause she had a cavity then when I didnt have time to put my mascera on before church I through it in the bag to put on in the car on the way but then I forgot where I put it and I was so upset like crying, wierd. Then we were watching Hancock (an action movie) I was crying during a "tender" moment like really tears and catching my breath crying. After my last cycle was just a spotting I was like ok we are going to buy a pregnancy test, the first one was positive and Bat and I are like OH my Gosh! that explains alot, and oh my Gosh! #3 I'll take another test in a day or two, so the next test on Tuesday was also positive. So Im waiting for my first OB appointment on the 14th of September. I really am so happy and I just cant wait to welcome the completion to our family, I know he (or she) will fit right in.

Thea

I just wanna take a second to talk about my Thea. We were @ WalMart buying undershirts in the "big girl" isle now and so there were training bras and Thea asked when she would get to wear those garments pointing to a training bra that had green frogs on it, it was so cute. She sometimes gets growing pains in her legs and last night Bat and I took turns rubbing her right leg. We had a play day today with one of her classmates from school last year and they played so nice all day (literally 9 hours, I was babysitting) there was no bickering or crying it was GREAT! I just cant believe how fast she is growing, now that I have two and Thea is a little bigger the moments pass so quickly they are sometimes hard to grab. When Im busy being a mom and wife I have to remind myself to just slow down and enjoy it, enjoy her and Ben too. I have been going through some of her baby clothes and found the little outfit we brought her home in, oh I love baby pink. I guess its got me all nostalgic.

picture

I love to see pictures when I read a post so I thought you might also, the only catch is that I havent downloaded my camera in a while so this is from Easter. My step sister Michael Crowe took some family photos for us and we are waiting on those so when I get them I'll post again.

Fresh Start

The Ballao family has moved into our own cute little apartment, its in the East Valley area. We are going to be in 22nd ward, we really want to stay in East valley ward till some one says we need to go to our own but I think it will be good to really make our own life, funny five years of marriage and I'm just now having that frame of mind. Thea is so excited to have her own room and has already been sleeping though the night there, which tells me moving was a very good decision. Bat is almost half way through the surgical tech program, he will be done around the end of March or April next year. So because we have rent now and Bat isn't working as much (in order to do well in school) I am studying to take the CDL with school bus endorsement and hopefully when school starts in September I will be driving a school bus for CVSD. It actually goes right along with the goals I made earlier in the year. My little Ben Ben is also doing well with the move, we are all just right at home.

caution Downer post

Sorry i haven't blogged in a long time, I just checked out every ones blog I follow and now Im once again inspired to give you an update...We have moved into an apartment in the 22nd ward, we wanted to stay in the valley cause Bat is still going to school at Alpine college(its in the same complex as Apollo and just off the freeway by spaulding) anyway. I have to put up a disclaimer at this point, I love my mom very much and I am grateful for the things she does for me, BUT we just had to get away from her, in all fairness I am her daughter and therefore I do have some things in common with her, things I want to spend the rest of my life changing. Most days I wanted to shout about how much I hate the things she does, oh saying it out loud sounds and looks horrible but those are feelings I am trying to get over after all it is a choice and our choice was to LEAVE. I feel like I have this sick addiction to her like I hate her but need her opinion and approval on everything, well no more Bat and I found our little place on our own without her opinion or approval, Im even hanging pictures and stocking cupboards without asking her where they should go. I know I sound so dysfunctional Im 30 years old for crying out loud, we never should have moved to her house in the first place. OK OK thats my little rant sorry for the downer. It is really the best for her and for us to be on our own it wasnt a healthy relationship or environment for my family. Im so tempted to dish details but that wouldnt be right enough is enough. we are out and we can make a fresh start.

Twilight

I am in love with this series, there I said it...Im totally obsesed and loving every minute of it. I am glad I can read the whole series at once because if I had to wait to long in between Id go crazy. I love that after watching Twilight I can hear the voices and picture their faces as I read, especially Edward.

X-Ray

My Ben has been sick with a terrible cold for about 4 weeks. At one point he was diagnosed with a sinus infection and was prescribed amoxacillian about 7 days into a 10 day corse he was still getting fevers so I took him off to the Dr.s again where they swabbed for RSV which came back negative and ordered a stronger dose of antibiotic then sent us to get a chest x-ray to check for numonia which also came back negative and the stronger antibiotics seem to be working but tomarrow is the follow up. Any way the x-ray is really what Im getting to, have any of your children had this done? They strapped him in what looked like a baby torture chair made of wood plastic and leather, it was crazy...they put these clear half tubes around him with his arms up and made it so tight he couldnt move (yes I realize this is necessary to get a clear picture). Anyway it was a jarring experience and Im glad it was over in about a minute and Im grateful I have healthy children and pray we all continue to be so.

Valentines card

Bats card made me laugh so hard I hope you also find it amusing.

continue the update

So on the 2nd of February we celebrated Bens 1st birthday and the long awaited hair cut. His fine baby hair was getting in his eyes so...

off it went. I know sad right, now he has this corse "big boy" hair like his Daddy but it looks so cute and now he can see out. We all had a great time at his birthday party he really got into his cake and got lots of fun boy toys like trucks and race cars.

Alright already

Im so sorry that I am such a lazy blogger. You would think that I am so busy or have some great excuse for not updating but alas...I dont, so here is an update anyway.

Its hard to know where to start since its been so long, I've been thinking about so many things since then. We went to southern Texas for new years and it was so nice and warm, Bat has several aunts that live there so we went to visit and his mom who lives in Tokyo was approved for her visitors visa and we got to see her there too which was quite a treat.

I have never experienced such a fun family new years...its true that everything is bigger in Texas the party and fireworks were so fun!

Thea had a great time playing with her cousins one of which is from Tokyo and speaks no english but they really played well together, it must be the language of children. Here they are showing off their tatoos.

I need to find my camera to upload more photos standby.

Sealed

Bat and I were sealed in the Spokane Temple yesterday, Saturday the 27th of December 2008. Can I just tell you how peaceful and grateful I feel right now. When we walked into the room and saw most of our beloved friends and family there to support us and be a witness to our eternal marriage I just felt our Fathers love so strong, and my husbands shaking hands, he was so nervous until our kids came in then as we knelt together to be sealed as an eternal family we just had the spirit come over us and were calm and beautiful. I wish I could articulate what I feel.
Im so glad Ben was good, both my kids looked like little angels. We have a great responsibility to take care of these little spirits we're entrusted. I know Father is pleased with us now and I am so thankful to our Savior for providing the way for us to return to Him.
I am so thankful to our friends and brothers and sisters in the gospel who could be there with us at the temple, especially with the crazy weather. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas we sure did. Thea was so excited this year, it was fun to play santa. Ben had a good time too, we didnt event wrap his gifts cause I knew Thea would end up opening it anyway. He loves his dump truck and Thea was so excited to get her littlest pet shop. Can I just say I dont know how they mass produce these toys in the packaging they do, it takes me 15 minutes to get to toys out of the packages. Anyway Im speaking in church today and then on Tuesday we fly to McAllen Texas to visit some of Bats family for New Years. New Years was a bigger event to Bat growing up than Christmas so it will be fun to celebrate Filippino style. His mom is coming to the states for the first time so we are very excited to welcome her to America.
Best wishes for a Happy New Year.
Thanks for all the wonderful Christmas cards, I love to see new pictures of your families. We will be sending a New Years card so watch for that.

30th Birthday

Happy Birthday to ME! I think its OK to say that since it is the big 3-0. I have had a really nice day, Bat brought me flowers to wake up to and I got pampered a little by getting my nails done and a pedicure, I love the color its all sparkly like the ruby slippers in the wizard of Oz and the nail tech put little snow flakes on my big toes, Thea got hers painted too she was so excited. We went to dinner with my mom, dad and grandma Sharon and Grandma & Grandpa Clukey at Wolf Lodge its our little tradition cause its moms birthday on the 3rd, mine on the 6th and Grandma Leann's on the 7th.Tnight we also went to Dock side for BIG deserts. All the Christmas decorations are so fun and beautiful I really wished my kids were there, we'll have to take them before Christmas. It was nice to get out for and evening with adults and not worry about rushing home to nurse Ben although I did have to rush home to nurse him I wasn't thinking about it the whole night.
Earlier this year I was a little concerned about turning 30, not that its so old or anything but I just wasn't sure I was in the place I thought I would be when I was 19 or 20 but at that age do we really know anything about anything? Over the summer I had this discussion with a dear friend from high school and she said she was excited and basically that I should be too. I have two beautiful healthy children and a husband that I am now very happy with, among other things she just really put a new and positive perspective on aging for me. So now I too am excited to be turning thirty and I am looking at life with a fresh perspective, like I get to start a new chapter of life and I would like to make the very best of it by making a list of things I'd like to accomplish by the time I'm...(I'm pausing here for a long moment, should it be 40 or 50) lets start with 40. (Natalie this list idea is from reading your blog about your list for your 20's thanks for the idea. I never had a 20's list so here's my 30's list :)

1. Get sealed in the Temple to Bat and our children.
2. Own a home
3. Get current on my kids' scrapbooks
4. Read the Book of Mormon cover to cover
5. Read and implement the Best life diet (this could take on a list of its own # 1 on that list would be to loose 50 lbs.)
6. Go on a "honeymoon" with my husband (make it tropical)
7. Learn to crochet
8. Bring Nathalia to live with us
9. Be a bus driver (I know this seems crazy but if I have to go to work I'd like to work for a school so I have the same schedule as my kids.)

I may and probably will come back to this list to add to it but I just wanted to put down a few things I've been thinking about maybe by having it out there for others to see will give me more accountalility to it.

Thanksgiving

I am so very grateful to my husband who was ordained with the Melchizedek priesthood yesterday and so thankful to our Father in Heaven for helping him to get to this place in his life where he can now bless our family and home with the authority of Heaven. I am so thankful for the peace that knowing these things are true brings to our life. I love all of my family very much and I also have amazing friends who are teaching me new things all the time and giving me unyeilding support. Happy Thankgiving, I have much more on my mind but Ben needs my attention RIGHT NOW!hehe

Fall Update

I know I'm not a true blogger but I will try to update quarterly. I am at peace with life right now, I'm so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the knowledge that families can be together forever. I am so proud and happy for my husband Bat, who will be getting the Melchizedek priesthood on the 2nd of November. We are going to start the temple preparation class this month so hopefully by the end of this year we will be able to become an eternal family. I can envision kneeling at the alter across from my husband and my children dressed in white with us. I have a special bond with my kids but to know that we are also bound in heaven will be so comforting to me.

I love fall, the leaves turning colors and the cool evenings I think it is my favorite season. We usually go to pick a pumpkin at Carver farms but they haven't looked that nice the last couple years, you know the ones that are odd shaped with wart like things, so we will just buy one at the store where we can get a bright orange nice and round pumpkin. I did find some small ones at the farmers market that were nice and round but not big enough to carve a cute jack-o-lantern. Anyway...

My Thea started preschool in September. She loves it! Each week they learn a new skill or idea about life. They've learned how to behave on the bus, hand washing and about different kinds of apples where they made applesauce and next week they'll learn about pumpkins. They really encourage parent involvement. On the 9th of October was Thea's 4th birthday so I went to school with her and we had gogurts for the treat, thy are her favorite snack. We had a big "Hello Kitty" party for her at home that night, games included a pinata, yes it was a little crazy but no one was injured and they all had a great time. We decided every other year will be a big party, Thea gets the even and Ben will get the odd which really means a big party every year.

My Ben Ben, is just growing and doing all the baby things he should, he crawls all over the place and is even standing independently he actually took a step and a half last night. I always have to squeeze him!